Discontentment

I didn't even see the discontentment raging its ugly head in my life. Blind to my sin.

I am reminded how easy it is to think something is God's will. Instead of taking the time to pray about it, making sure it wasn't just my fleshly desires. 

I kept going back to the thought that it's not like it's a bad thing to want. 

I want land. I desire land. I miss it. I miss my farm, the peace, the security. I miss my children being able to run through the woods, riding their bikes, or singing hymns at the top of their lungs. I miss the snow, the flowers, the animals following us around the property. The adventure. The possibilities. 

I still remember the day I pulled up to the house that was still under construction. I was just back from a missions revival. I turned the car off. And sat there. I can still hear the thought, the kind that's not audible but it's as clear as day. "Ashley, are you willing to give this up for me?" Without a thought, I said yes. I would. 

And I did only 2 years later. 

But now...I'm struggling. I don't quite know why. Discontentment is a huge one the Lord is showing me. I did lay it down a few months ago, only to pick it back up 2 weeks ago. I struggle with not knowing what God's plan is. I struggle with feeling alone. There are 7 other people in my home. I am far from alone! I struggle in trusting people after being hurt. I struggle in my desire for friends. I have let fear rule me. Fear of failure. Fear of getting hurt by other christians. Fear of making mistakes. Fear of feeling alone...

2Ti 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Da 1:8 But Daniel purposed in his heart...

Where did my "purpose of heart" go?

And I once said I would be willing... 

 

But yet, the Lord is perfect. He knows. 

Ro 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

I don't know exactly what the Lord has planned. But I know where I am right now is where He wants me.

I am a planner. I want the next 20 years planned. But, God doesn't work that way. Sometimes it is just the next step. Then wait. 

God owes me no explanation of what His plans are for me. Some things are clear and some are not. That's something I have to give to Him...again. 

Ps 31:3 For thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for thy name's sake lead me, and guide me.

Ps 32:8 I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.

Ps 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

I heard a pastor say, "I live in Los Angeles. I hate it. But this is where He wants me." And with those words, I was "spanked" again lol 

Yet, I thank the Lord He showed me my selfishness and where I was trying to push my will. 

Heb 12:6 For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth..

My sin doesn't just affect me. It affects my family. Immediate and extended. And anyone else the Lord desired to put in my "path."

Col 3:2 Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.

Mt 6:19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:

Mt 6:20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven...

1Co 2:9 But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

Mt 19:29 And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.

Ps 27:8 When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.

"Prone to wander Lord I feel it

Prone to leave the God I love

Take my heart & seal it

Seal it for Thy courts above"